Laughing Matters (Week of June 4)
Jun 8, 2012, 3:30 p.m.
Submitted by Robert Breazeale
The last two things God created were man and woman. Now, it seems to me that the human race is determined to ruin all of God’s creations that came before. A friend of mine told me that he had it figured out.
“I don’t think God created everything in six days and then rested on the seventh,” he said. “I think he rested for six days and then pulled an all-nighter.”
Giving up golf
Submitted by Terry Campbell
At 90 years old, Arthur played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago. One day he arrived home looking downcast.
“That’s it,” he told his wife. “I’m giving up golf. My eyesight has gotten so bad that once I hit the ball, I can’t see where it went.”
His wife sympathized with him and said, “Why don’t you take my brother with you and give it one more try?”
“That’s no good,” Arthur said. “Your brother is 103. He can’t help.”
“He may be 103 years old,” his wife said. “But his eyesight is perfect.”
The next day, Arthur headed off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He teed up, took an almighty swing, and squinted down the fairway. He turned to his brother-in-law.
“Did you see the ball?” Arthur asked.
“Of course I did,” Arthur’s brother-in-law said. “I have perfect eyesight.”
“Where did it go?” Arthur asked.
Let me get you a fork
Submitted by Jeanette Kiphart
An elderly lady answered a knock on the door one day and was confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
“Good morning,” the young man said. “If I could take up a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.”
“Go away,” the woman said. “I’m broke and haven’t got any money.”
She proceeded to close the door, but quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.
“Don’t be too hasty,” he said. “Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.”
With that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.
“Now, if this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, madam, I will personally eat the remainder,” he said.
The old lady stepped back and said, “Well let me get you a fork because they cut off my electricity this morning.”
Secrets to a happy marriage
Submitted by Karen Jones
An elderly woman was sipping on a glass of wine while sitting on the patio with her husband.
“I love you so much,” she said. “I don’t know how I could ever live without you.”
“Is that you or the wine talking?” her husband asked.
“It’s me,” she replied, “talking to the wine.”
I love my grandkids
Submitted by Jacque Stafford
A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather’s word processor. She told him she was writing a story.
“What’s it about?” he asked.
“I don’t know,” she said. “I can’t read yet.”
A prosperous business
Submitted by Charlene Lampe
Two young businessmen were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store, located in a shopping mall.
The store wasn’t ready yet, having only a few shelves and display racks set up.
One man said to the other, “I’ll bet that any minute now, some senior is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we’re selling.”
A moment later, a curious senior gentleman walked up to the window, looked around intensely and rapped on the glass. In a loud voice he asked, “What are you selling here?”
One of the men snickered and replied, “We’re selling ass-holes.”
“You must be doing well,” the old timer said. “Only two left.”