Laughing Matters (week of April 23)
Apr 23, 2012, noon
Submitted by Cathy Haines
A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town he planned to visit on his vacation. He wrote, “I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well groomed and very well behaved. Would you permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?”
An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who wrote, “Dear Sir, I’ve been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I’ve never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls. I’ve never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly, and I’ve never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog will vouch for you, you’re welcome to stay here, too.”
Submitted by Karen Jones
Feeling it was time for a shake up, Arcelor-Mittal Steel hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.
He asked the guy, “How much money do you make a week?”
A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, “$400 a week. Why?”
“Wait right here,” the CEO said. He walked back to his office, came back and handed the guy $1,600 in cash.
“Here’s four weeks pay,” the CEO said. “Now get out and don’t come back.”
After the man left, the CEO was feeling pretty good about himself. He looked around the room and asked, “Does anyone want to tell me what that goof ball did here?”
From across the room a voice said, “He is the pizza delivery guy from Domino’s.”
Submitted by Pauline Kettle
A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids.
“Wow,” the social worker exclaims. “Are they all yours?”
“Yep,” the flustered woman sighs. “They are all mine.”
She turns to her children and says, “Sit down, Leroy.”
All the children rush to find seats.
“Well, then you must be here to sign up,” the social worker says. “I’ll need all of your children’s names.”
“To keep it simple, the boys are all named Leroy and the girls are all named Leighroy,” the woman says.
In disbelief, the case worker says, “Are you serious? They’re all named Leroy?”
“Yes,” the mother replies. “It makes things easier. When it’s time to get out of bed and ready for school, I yell, ‘Leroy!’ When it’s time for dinner, I just yell, ‘Leroy!’ and they all come running. If I need to stop the kid who’s running into the street, I just yell ‘Leroy!’ and all of them stop. It’s the smartest idea I have ever had, naming them all Leroy.”
The social worker thinks this over for a bit, wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, “But what if you just want one kid to come, not the whole bunch?”
The mother replies, “Then I call them by their last names.”
Submitted by Karen Jones
A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the good Samaritan.
She asked the class, “If you saw a person lying on the side of the road, wounded and bleeding, what would you do?”
A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence and said, “I think I’d throw up.”