Laughing Matters (week of April 16)
Apr 16, 2012, noon
Submitted by Corey Johnson
A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
“Amazing,” he thought as he flew down the interstate, pushing the pedal even more.
Looking in his rearview mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him with lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120.
It took him a moment, but then he realized, “What am I doing? I’m too old for this.” He pulled over, awaiting the trooper’s arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch and said, “Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday.
If you can give me a reason for speeding that I’ve never heard before, I’ll let you go.”
The old gentleman paused for a moment.
“Years ago, my wife ran off with a state trooper,” he said. “I thought you were bringing her back.”
The trooper laughed and said, “Have a good day, sir.”
Submitted by Susan Capps
Several days ago, as I left a meeting at church, I desperately gave myself a personal pat down. I was looking for my keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing.
Suddenly, I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot. My wife, Rosemary, has scolded me many times for leaving my keys in the ignition. My theory is that the ignition is the best place not to lose them. Her theory is that the car will be stolen.
As I burst through the doors of the church, I came to a terrifying conclusion. Her theory was right. The parking lot was empty.
I immediately called the police and gave them my location. I confessed that I had left my keys in the car and it had been stolen.
Then I made the most difficult call of all.
“Honey,” I stammered. I always call her “Honey” in times like these. “I left my keys in the car and it has been stolen.”
There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard Rosemary’s voice.
“Rodney,” she barked. “I dropped you off!”
Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, “Well come and get me.”
Rosemary retorted, “I will, as soon as I convince this policeman that I have not stolen your car.”
I love my grandkids
Submitted by Jacque Stafford
A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like.
“We used to skate outside on a pond,” the grandmother said. “I had our swing made from a tire that hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods.”
The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, “I sure wish I’d gotten to know you sooner!”
Submitted by Cathy Haines
A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town he planned to visit on his vacation. He wrote, “I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well groomed and very well behaved. Would you permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?”
An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who wrote, “Dear Sir, I’ve been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I’ve never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls. I’ve never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly, and I’ve never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog will vouch for you, you’re welcome to stay here, too.”