Laughing Matters (week of April 9)
Apr 9, 2012, noon
Submitted by J.T. Davis
A woman brought a very limp duck to a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, “I’m sorry, your duck has passed away.”
The distressed woman wailed, “Are you sure?”
“Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead,” the vet replied.
“How can you be so sure?” she protested. “I mean, you haven’t done any testing. He might just be in a coma.”
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a Labrador retriever. As the duck’s owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot, sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, “I’m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, a dead duck.”
He turned to his computer, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.
The woman looked at it and yelled, “$150? Just to tell me my duck is dead?”
The vet shrugged, “I’m sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it’s $150.”
Fantasy Island doughnuts
Submitted by Robert Breazeale
My doctor keeps bugging me to lose weight.
“Doc, I’m trying, but I can’t pass a doughnut shop without buying my favorite ones with lots of chocolate icing and rainbow sprinkles,” I said.
He sighed and turned away, scribbling something on his notebook. “If you have to eat those things, stick with the Fantasy Island doughnuts,” he said.
He turned back around and said, “De Plain—De Plain.”
ABCs of marriage
Submitted by William Carlson
After being married for 30 years, a wife asked her husband to describe her. He looked at her for a while then said, “You’re A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K.”
“What does that mean?” she asked.
“Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, foxy, gorgeous and hot,” he replied.
“Oh, that’s so lovely,” she said. “What about I, J and K?”
He smiled and said, “I’m just kidding.”