Submitted by Ron Wagers
What do you call a dog that works in a lawyer’s office?
Submitted by Helen Curtis
The light turned yellow, just in front of a driver. He did the right thing and stopped at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection. The tailgating driver behind him was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection. Mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed and placed in a holding cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.
He said, “I’m very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, giving the guy in front of you the finger and cursing him. I noticed the ‘What would Jesus do?’ bumper sticker, the ‘Choose Life’ license plate holder, the ‘Follow me to Sunday School’ bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so I naturally assumed you had stolen the car.”
Why parents get gray hair
Submitted by Matthew Lee
A boss called one of his employees, who worked from home, about an urgent problem with one of the main computers at their company.
Someone picked up the phone, and he heard a child whisper, “Hello?”
“Is your daddy home?” he asked.
“Yes,” whispered the small voice.
“May I talk with him?”
To the boss’ surprise, the small voice whispered, “No.”
Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, “Is your mommy there?”
“Yes,” came the answer.
“May I talk with her?”
Again, the small voice whispered, “No.”
“Is anybody else there?” asked the boss.
“Yes” whispered the child, “a policeman.”
Wondering what a cop would be doing there, the boss asked, “May I speak with the policeman?”
“No, he’s busy,” whispered the child. “Busy doing what?” asked the boss.
“Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the firemen,” came the whispered answer.
The boss was growing concerned, and then he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the earpiece on the phone. “What’s that noise?”
“A hello-copper” answered the whispering voice.
“What is going on there?” asked the boss, now alarmed.
In an awed voice, the child whispered, “The search team just landed the hello-copper.”
Concerned and more than a little frustrated, the boss asked, “What are they searching for?”
With a muffled giggle, the young voice replied, “Me.”
The magician and the parrot
Submitted by Constance Porter
A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem—the captain’s parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick.
Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show: “Look, it’s not the same hat!” or “Look, he’s hiding the flowers under the table!” or “Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?”
The magician was furious but couldn’t do anything. It was, after all, the captain’s parrot.
Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship sank, drowning everyone but the magician and the parrot, who floated together on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea. They stared at each other with hatred but did not utter a word. This went on for a day, then two days, then three days.
Finally, on the fourth day, the parrot couldn’t hold back any longer and said, “Okay, I give up. Where’s the ship?”
Submitted by Boen Chambers
I got my concealed weapon permit yesterday and went over to Cabela’s to get a small 9 mm for home protection.
When I was ready to pay for the gun and bullets, the cashier said, “Strip down, facing me.”
Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about gun control wackos running amok, I did just as she instructed.
When the shrieking and alarms finally died down, I realized she was referring to how I placed my credit card in the card reader.
I’ve been asked to shop elsewhere in the future. They need to make instructions to seniors a little clearer. I still don’t think I looked that bad.
Submitted by Ted Boothroyd
A sales rep, an administrative clerk and their manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a genie comes out.
The genie says, “I’ll give each of you just one wish.”
“Me first! Me first!” says the administrative clerk. “I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.”
Puff! She’s gone.
“Me next! Me next!” says the sales rep. “I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of piña coladas and the love of my life.”
Puff! He’s gone.
“Okay, you’re up,” the genie says to the manager.
The manager says, “I want those two slackers back in the office directly after lunch.”
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